Approximately One Fifth of the Crystal Gems vs Beach City
by ToothPasteCanyon
Summary: When Peridot and Lapis were assigned the mission of protecting Earth in the absense of the Crystal Gems, they expected to go up against corrupted Gems and the forces of Homeworld. Instead, they find themselves fending off a bunch of pesky humans.
1. Chapter 1

"And that's how I fixed the television's antennae to detect deep space signals!" Peridot tapped the top of the TV with a screwdriver, grinning at the blue Gem lying on the bed."I'm sure Steven won't mind, if it's for the protection of the Earth. So, Lapis, does that answer your question?"

"You mean the one I didn't ask? Yes."

"Excellent!" Peridot jumped to her feet. "I'll go work on the door trap now. I saw this video on the internet about a bucket and water that might work... Lapis, could you help me lift this?"

Lapis frowned. "Hey, Peridot? Don't you think this is a bit excessive?"

"What do you mean?"

"Moving to Steven's house, boarding up his windows," She rolled over. "They're only gonna be gone for, like, a hundred years. Nothing's going to happen. Why can't we just go back to the barn and make meep morps?"

"Lapis, it's our mission to protect the planet Earth while they're gone! As a Crystal Gem, I take that duty very seriously." She walked over to a large bucket of water and tried to lift it. "Maybe I should be making... nyeh... logs... nyuhhh, I can't lift it! Why do Earthlings make anything out of wood; it's such a cloddy material, so heavy and... brown, and... not metal."

With a flick of her finger, Lapis floated the bucket downstairs.

"Wow thanks, Lapis!" Peridot jumped down onto the couch. "As I was saying, we need to be at the centre of the action, ready for anything! No corruptions or Homeworld soldiers are going to get past this Crystal Gem! And when the others get back they're going to say, 'Wow, Peridot, you protected Earth so well! No wonder you're the leader of the Crystal Gems!"

"Okay."

"And then Steven's gonna give me a hug, and Amethyst's gonna be like, 'Shorty Squad!" She rubbed her hands together, giggling with glee. "It's gonna be the best, Lapis. I won't let anything ruin that moment!"

And then there was a knock at the door, causing Peridot to squeak and dash for the bathroom. "Homeworld Gems! Quick, Lapis, get in here before they shatter you!"

Lapis stood up and walked over to the door, peering through the screen. A very familiar girl with a pink sword and a less familiar, older woman were standing right in front of the house. The Gem briefly considered following Peridot into the bathroom and pretending they weren't there, but then the girl spotted her and started waving frantically.

She opened the door. "Can I help you?"

The girl opened her mouth, but the older woman answered first. "Hello, Dr Maheswaran here. Can I speak to one of Steven's guardians?"

"Guardians?" Lapis tapped her chin. "Oh, you mean the Crystal Gems. That's what they're called."

"Yes, yes, them. Are they here?"

"No. They're in space."

Dr Maheswaran blinked. "Space?"

"Yes, that's what I said."

"Right, well, is his father around?"

"Greg was abducted. Steven's in space too, before you ask." Lapis started to close the door. "Can I go now?"

"Wait!" The girl stayed the door. "Steven asked me to protect Beach City while he was gone. I was planning to stay overnight… if you don't mind?"

"Steven asked us to do that too. So, you don't need to stay with us… Bye!"

"But- Wait, 'us'? Is there someone else here?"

There was the sound of a door being kicked open, and Peridot barrelled through the living room with a cry of, "I'll save you, Lapis!" She began pelting the girl with toothbrushes until she ran out, started forwards, tripped on the bucket of water and went headfirst into the liquid, thrashing her legs and gurgling incoherently.

For a moment, everyone just stared.

"Yeah," Lapis said, picking her friend out of the water once she had calmed down. "Peridot's here. We've got it covered, so you can just go home."

Dr Maheswaran had clearly reached the end of her patience. "Connie, if I don't see a responsible adult within the next five seconds, we're going straight home."

"Yes, that's what I told you to do."

"Mom, wait! There's, uh…" Connie suddenly dashed to stand by the two Gems. "These two don't look it, but they're definitely responsible adults. Peridot, she's an amazing technician! You built a drill that went to the centre of the Earth, right?"

The green Gem did not miss an opportunity to show off. "You bet I did! Admittedly, Pearl did have a large hand in the designs, but I was the genius behind incorporating an Era One Injector drill head into the front! So, basically, I saved the Earth. You're welcome."

Connie grinned at her mother. "See? She can't be irresponsible if she's saved the world! Also all the Gems are thousands of years old, so she's definitely an adult."

"Thousands of years old? You're mistaking me for an Era One; I'm only a couple of hundred. Back on Homeworld I'd be considered something like a – you Earthlings would call it a 'child', right?" Peridot waved her hand. "But that only makes my achievements all the more amazing! I haven't even gotten into my invention of the meep morps, or my extensive knowledge of Earth words and customs, or… oh, you'd never believe it! I'll tell you anyway: I – a Peridot! – called the Yellow Diamond a clod, right to her face! Am I not the most rebellious, disrespectful, cool Gem you'll ever meet?"

There was a tense silence, broken by Connie's nervous laughter. "Right. Thanks, Peridot-"

"You're welcome!"

"But there's also Lapis! She's really powerful! She lifted the whole ocean up into the sky, I saw it!"

Lapis blinked. "You were Steven's friend, the one… I tried to drown." A pause, then: "Sorry about that."

Dr Maheswaran put her hands on her hips. "Young lady, I think it's time to go."

"But-!"

"I've tried to be patient with your adventures, but I'm not leaving you with these two… hooligans!"

"Mom!"

"Don't use that tone with your mother!"

Peridot frowned as the two began to argue. "Lapis, what's a hooligan?"

Lapis shrugged, slowly closing the door on the arguing humans.

"Hmm, I'll have to research it later. Hooligan, hooligan, hooligan… these Earth words are so much fun to say!"

Hooligan." Lapis smiled as she turned the lock. "You're right. I could make a meep morp out of it."

"That's a great idea! But right now, we need to focus on protecting Earth." Peridot kicked the water bucket, barely even causing a ripple. "I'll open the door, and you put it on top, okay?"

The blue Gem made a face, still acutely aware of the arguing voices outside. "Maybe later. I don't want to talk to those humans again."


	2. Chapter 2

It was a bright, sunny day in Beach City. It was warm, not hot; a chill still hung in the breeze, left over from the recent winter.

All in all, Barbara Miller thought, it was a perfect day to be out delivering mail.

She was going an extra round today, having taken up Jamie's after he called in sick. There were so many interesting people that boy delivered mail to – not that her usual houses weren't, but a little variety never hurt – and she couldn't wait to swap a few stories with them.

Especially Steven. Cycling up to the beach, Barbara swung her mail bag over her shoulder and started towards the Temple. It was a real pretty place, that. Gave her a sense of mystery, adventure. What a lucky boy, to live there!

Then she got closer, and something strange caught her eye. The windows were boarded up, the door swung slightly open. The inside looked dark and empty.

Did Steven move out? With a frown, Barbara fished out her phone and dialed a number. It rang once, twice, then picked up.

"Mom?"

"Hey, Sadie!" Barbara said in her usual booming tone. "How's my big girl doing?"

"I'm at work, Mom."

"Yeah, yeah, me too. Say, your friend Steven, did he move out?"

"No, I saw him a few days ago." Sadie continued in a concerned tone. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"I'm just looking up at his house now – I told you I took Jamie's rounds today, right? The poor boy came down with a stomach bug or something. Real sick, says he's puking all over the place and-"

"Mom."

"Oh, sorry. Anyway, Steven's windows are all boarded up, and the place looks real abandoned." She frowned. "Are you sure he didn't take a vacation, or something?"

"He didn't say anything about about going anywhere! We should, we gotta, uh… hold on, I've got his number. I'll give him a call."

"That's a great idea, Sadie! And I'll go investigate."

"Wait, Mom. Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Barbara was walking up the steps. "I don't see anything wrong with it."

"Well, I don't really know the details, but Steven and the Gems go off fighting some weird magical monsters sometimes. If he's gone… I don't know. Just be careful, okay Mom?"

"Aah, no need to worry about your mother, Sadie!" Barbara swung the door open. "I'll be- _aaaghh_!"

* * *

"Hey, Peridot, do you hear that?" Lapis was sitting on Steven's bed with a magazine, her companion tinkering with a toaster on the stairs. The green Gem looked up from her work, and listened for a moment.

"I do, actually." She paused again. "It sounds like a voice."

"A really loud voice." Lapis turned a page. "Probably a human. I hope she goes away soon."

Peridot nodded emphatically. "Why do they keep coming over here, anyway? We're so far removed from the town, and as far as I can tell this building is not a 'shop' or a 'school'. It serves no functional purpose to come here, except… hmm." She stroked her chin. "Maybe they're friends with Steven? Earthlings do a lot of things without functional purpose for the sake of friendship."

There was the voice again, somehow even louder. Lapis frowned. "She's not going away. Should we tell her Steven's not here?"

"No need. My traps will deal with her."

"That's good." Lapis tried to drone out the noise of the annoying human, but the sound was awfully close. She could hear footsteps going up the stairs, stomping on wood…

The door opened, disturbing the large water bucket balancing on the top. The human's loud talking was abruptly brought to a halt as it came down on her head. " _Aaaaghh_!"

Lapis looked down to see the human lying still on the ground, bucket over her head. With a little concern leaking into her tone, she asked, "Hey, Peridot? Are these traps designed for humans?"

"Yes." She answered immediately. There was a pause as the two stared down at the human. "Well, probably. The internet wouldn't lie to me!" Another pause. "Let's just… see if she's okay."

The two hurried downstairs. Lapis lifted the groaning human up – she groaned, she's not dead! – whilst Peridot took the bucket off of her head, sucking in her breath at the sight of her face.

"I think I have located my mistake." The green Gem put down the bucket and closed the door. "I may have used an excessively heavy container for the water."

Okay, but what do we do now? She's out cold."

"Nyuh, I don't know!"

Lapis shifted the human's weight, wrapping her arms under the armpits. "Well, we can't just leave her here!"

"Why not?"

"She could be seriously hurt! Also if any of those other humans come round they'll think we're-"

Sadie kicked the door down, coming face to face with two unfamiliar Gems holding her unconscious, bleeding mother.

"-dangerous."


End file.
